3 REASONS WHY MEN KEEP ARGUING WITH THEIR SPOUSE

Arguments don’t always start with intensity but it quickly intensifies with every comment, micro expression, and  gesture. I share in this Blog the tactful way to not “add fuel to the fire.” 

1. YOU WANT HER TO UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT.

Here is a perspective to consider: If your partner is having a hard time managing their emotions, presenting your emotions to them is giving them more emotions to mismanage. 

Tactic: Withhold sharing your true opinion at the moment (tactfulness and timing go hand in hand). When your partner is upset for whatever reason, instead of offering them correction, offer them comfort. 

Presentation: Comfort sounds like: “My intention wasn’t for you to be upset. I am not against you. We’re on the same team.”

Comfort does not sound like “I am sorry.” 

2. MAKING COMPARISONS.

Here is a perspective to consider: When you compare in the heat of the moment, what sounds like common sense to you, comes off as invalidation to her. When that happens, it creates the perfect storm of gas lightning, and spot fire arguments to take place.

Tactic: Resist the urge to make her understand your point by comparison. Instead, let her know you understand her point with clarity.

Presentation: Ex: You came home later than expected from work.

Comparison sounds like: “Me coming home late from work is no different than when you go to the salon and have to stay there longer because the hairdresser was taking too long with their first client.”

Clarity sounds like: “ I know I came home later than expected. That’s on me. I’ll be better about my time management at work so I can show up for you.” 

Pro Tip: Bad news doesn’t get better with time. The earlier you let your partner know what’s going on, will allow you to get to the resolve faster!

3. GIVING ULTIMATUMS!

Here is a perspective to consider: Giving an Ultimatum can damage your partner's ability to feel safe with you.

After a series of arguments due to the communication breakdowns in the relationship, it may seem like an ultimatum will be a quick fix. The reality is it keeps both you and your partner on egg shells.

Tactic: Instead of giving your partner an ultimatum with a defined outcome, Lead with your intentions telling her what you need from her at that moment. 

The why: When someone says “If you argue with me one more time it’s over!”  Two things can happen, the person go mute in the relationship or they decide to call your bluff. Neither of those get you closer to a resolve. 

Presentation: Setting a clear intention by telling her what you need from her in that moment affords her the opportunity to adjust. 

When you give an ultimatum it forces her hand to adjust and it won’t last long.

Men, you are the leader of that relationship, if it’s not going smooth it’s your job to change the environment not demand a change from your spouse. 

I know what you’re thinking, what if she doesn’t adjust? 

Quick answer: if you can’t lead her then you leave her.

But, if you’re reading this you can lead her and it's worth giving it your all to do so! 

Men, if you execute the tactics of comfort, clarity, and give her clear intention of what you need, She will adjust, the intensity of the arguments will  subside and you will resolve arguments a lot faster.